Brand new human freedom unit discovered!

As many of you already know, I am a researcher in the filed of toilet freedoms and liberties. Work with my latest experiment and calculations is ended and they led me to a new and ground-braking discovery. Let us dig in the details of hard work of past several months.

This article is conceived in a purely naive fashion of good ol’ shit dump release and mind relaxation. No one could ever imagine that TOILET equation we discovered have such a wide application and philosophical underlying.

Your freedom is limited by the freedom of your nearest peer/husband/family member/neighbor/president of USA and vice versa, right? Yes! Furthermore, not so many people considered shit and toilets while observing basic human freedoms. There are some and they are mainly Africa and India UN humanitarians, and they were just cleaning the shit in order to set up tents with computers and clean bathing water. No one ever put the shit and toilets right where they belong – in human freedom equation!

So we discovered the new units by which the human freedom is observed and measured. The new sharp and descriptive units emerged right before our eyes and reality suddenly changed. Our world is not the safe place anymore.

Since an average human being is highly dependent on Internet, food, sanitation, housing and heating/cooling I extrapolated the variables and applied my newly developed Human Toilet Freedom Algorithm. Upon uploading my exabyte database spreadsheet of human shit, food, movement, energy consumption, personal and global CO2 emissions, and scientifically acclaimed global trade coefficient I was finally able to start six month calculations in order to reach nice and world wide applicable one-liner equation for the next generations to use and calculate endlessly.

But the miracle of numbers, big data and hard work of adding, subtracting, multiplying and dividing stroke me like never before in scientific history! Instead of a nice equation I got series of units and series of equations! At first, calculations took us 3 minutes to complete on our toilet laboratory quad-core powered mobile phone which we dedicated for this research (with several games still active in the background of mighty Android operating system). And we got an initial unit, series of units and series of new equations!

So because I am suspicious by nature, I did re-calculations by hand just to make sure. Hand-calculations ate the last six months of my life and I completed them with 86% of accuracy of our initial Android powered research toilet phone. Stunning 86% were enough for us and we decided to publish the results(plural).

We had the equations on the table considering all TOILET factors behind the Human Toilet Freedom Algorithm.

TOILET factors listed below by the order of appearance in our equations are:

Here are basic calculations we all agreed to release for the grater good of our world:

Number of unique toilets (just) visited – NUTV *not used (this is considered as a negative factor which lowers the total value of the unit. it is a measure of newly discovered mental disorder in humans yet to be explained)
Number of Unique Toilets Urinated – NUTU
Number of Unique Toilets Shit-dumped – NUTSH
Number of Unique Toilets Shit-dumped + Urinated – NUTSHU
Number of Unique Toilets Selfies/selfied – NUTS
Number of Unique Toilets Fucked Stranger – NUTFS
Number of Unique Toilets Fucked Your boyfriend/girlfriend – NUTFY


A brand new unit of human freedom is: a number of unique toilets uses per time unit (day/week/month/year/life).

Simple experimental values we are able to publish:
TOILET = 0.1 NUTU/Week – is essential behavior of an almost every teenager on Earth born after the year 1980.

TOILET = 0.5 NUTSH/Week – statistically this is considered as a normal activity of a mid 30s white European human with insurance, mid class salary and repeated weekend travels across Europe

TOILET = 1 NUTS/Week – typical behavior of 66% of human population with a smart phone in pocket today (yes, 66% of human population today have at least one type of selfie mental dissorders. this was a side effect of our initial shit research. which is kinda logical. slefies, shit… you get the idea;))

TOILET = 1 NUTFS/Week – typical crack cocaine whore behavior

TOILET = 0.6 NUTSFY/Month – normal adventurous behavior of a young human couple today

TOILET = 1 NUTSFY/Week – couple with pathological psycho-sociological toilet sex disorder

Terrorism (from the small group off-chart data we were amazed to see):
TOILET = 7 NUTSHU/Week – yes, the magic number is one, just one new toilet per day. our calculations showed that with this rate, a group of 256 people “traveling” medium sized European country could shit and piss 46080 toilets in just three months. bare in mind that typical TOILET Terrorism Unit is packed with 1024 asses capable of shitting 92160 toilets in just three months!

Now imagine this: the average weight of one single shit dump is 0.5kg, a single toilet flush is 25 liters of water which provide us the same amount of kilos.
The end “result” of a mentioned small group of unnoticed terrorists is 2.35008 Megaton(!) of TOILET units dispersed and deployed in just three months! Appalling! No army in human history was able to deploy such a colossal amount of war units in such a short period of time! Stealthy!

– – –

Think about this. How many unique toilets do you really use? Per day? Per week? Per month? Per year? Are you free to use as many toilets as you wish? Remember, how many times you had to restrain yourself of shitting inside of that newly discovered toilet just because it is not yours? How many?! Too many! Do you know why? We know why, we calculated that your freedom is at danger and that is not a joke.

Once the Pandora’s box is opened there’s no way of fixing things back. The real test fur Humanity is yet to be witnessed. Will our children shit in freedom of peace or constipate back under the pressure of evil invaders with no restrains at all!? No one knows!

Also, new frontiers in sociological research will be discovered with the real time google stats of people discovering new toilets to take a unique selfie-dumps and free themselves in a newly formed selfie-dump-gram fashion.

What about TOILET-Jihad no one willing to talk about these days?! Who are the people with just one purpose in their minds? Who is capable of traveling and conquering the Earth with unstoppable personal shit deploy machinery in a foreign territory, and leave right after! Terrorists of course!

Aside TOILET-Jihadists, we are afraid that our invention paved the way for the new form of slavery and conquest. Imagine one possible outcome where kids are forced to travel to a new countries and visit new cities every day in order to deploy 7 NUTSHU/Week just for the good of one owner of their lives?! Horrifying! Our Earth could easily end up like a Dyson Shit Sphere in endless intergalactic TOILET-Jihad. Sad. But true. There is a possibility for that grim and shitty future. (our calculations confirm that) But hey, that means that all of the humanity will live and travel galaxies. Are we ready to trade the freedoms we defended with endless rivers of children’s blood for an intergalactic eternity powered by total TOILET slavery?! Many physicists already calculated that mentioned outcome is actually energy sustainable. But let us stop right here and leave future debates right where they belong – in the future. What shall we do now?!

We all know that unique and new scientific discoveries are the subject to undiscovered areas of influences of human stupidity. As well as we were one breath away from nuclear annihilation and we were equally lucky motherfuckers to have angry Russian argue about the first submarine nuclear ICBM lunch (so everything delayed and nuclear war never happened), we as well may be lucky to have TOILET Führer catch constipation right before the deployment of first dump in the foreign territory. We’ll never know!

We, as researchers put our sincere hopes that the first conqueror (catch the emphasize on eror, error;)) shit will never be laid on a foreign country, planet, solar system nor galaxy.

Post-research, re-enactment of our initial research and endless peer reviews concluded that our current lives must remain the same in order not to trigger the mentioned TOILET mechanism. Though, there’s one article claiming that the TOILET-Jihad is well underway and no one and no thing can stop it now, and the trick is that it is invisible to a naked eye. Other researchers suggest to people to use their noses as the primary means to defend themselves. The debate is endless.

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