changed me. It feels like he changed my life more than any member of my family, any friend or person I met in my life so far. The curve of change/time is intriguing. I can’t wait to see the scope of this. The process is ongoing.
This is not amazing, nor special. It’s just a fact. This man, Michel Foucault, a whole pleiad of eastern/Greek/German philosophers are changing my thinking narrative and ultimately, my way of living. I like to say that I finally took care of myself. Firstly, I got rid of my deeply rooted shame I had. The rest followed naturally. To get to that zero ground, I took one big and heavy dive into my subconsciousness and kinda cumulative behaviour exploration. In time: it took me more than a year of analysing and practising habit-changing techniques. Think of this as of primordial-self resurrection.
“If there are Gods, what could they do anyway? Gods would only take care of themselves, what else.” – so why shouldn’t we do the same. We, weak and emotional human beings.
Discovering and understanding influence and meta-influence of this man marks the beginning of my fifth world I found myself in. Previous four were: my blissful childhood, than the first encounter with the real word in high school + heavy basketball training/playing, than birth of my sex life in academic world and most recent post-academic > work > street > art > activism > politics > madness > deconstruction > philosophy world (I have no simpler way to describe the madness of past seven years).
Today, I can barely remember and reconnect with the moments of my first two worlds. I thought that this active/passive/reverse forgetting will never happen, but it did happened. The only strong memories I still hold are my BMX wild actions, and inexplicable feeling of flying when I was in good shape and on basketball court.
This year is becoming the year of writing. Finally! I got back on my main writing project (which I feel as the purpose of living these days). Hm… Writing pretends to become more important to me than even sex! Me saying this was impossible just a year ago. People who know me, know that I am promiscuous and (lately, with unlocking of empathy) poly-amorous person. This feel of sense, continuity, beauty and pristine aesthetics-by-content (as I call the words) is haunting to me. That’s it. I constantly urge myself to write, in order not to miss a moment, last night’s dream, a recent idea… In the same time, writing works in exactly opposite way, but that’s me still forcing everything. Now I think that the single most important thing in life is to write. Words are more powerful than anything else I ever felt. I know that, especially because I know that my close partners love/loved me because of beauty and meaning of my words. Strangely, the shame thing becomes an issue for me again, since I still have to build the courage to publish those deepest and most important stuff I’m working on. But I know that at the end of the road those openings are no less than rewarding, in one way or another.
The words are the doors to all worlds.
Now, back to Werner. A friend of mine commented one of my texts with this. Those thoughts took me further, and before I noticed, I was melting into his filmography, acts and basic human existence. It is important for me to mention that this experience with Werner is my first experience with creative person who changed me, but in the same time, I did not mystified that same person. For over a decade, that mythical person, his project, music and meta-expressions were denominated into the artist named Trent Reznor. I was not the only one, there’s an army of Trent’s “believers”. I was one of them. I even quit my most important job motivated by this album, started a pirate fucking party, spent years sharing basements with hackers throughout Europe and shit like that. (there’s a special second side of that coin about hackers and hacking. that’s the story of my life. the deepest and most meaningful shit ever happened to me. I think I will absorb and digest that process in at least one year more from now). And yes, I am starting to adore this inter-connections of realities, some of them even span trough all of those mentioned worlds! That’s amazing and challenging. As I grow older and getting to know myself better, I find those interconnection overlaps to be a some sort of a meaning to all of this. It gives me the feeling of eternity. Not that I am jerking off on eternity, I am stating what it feels like. In the matter of fact, I would like now to experience my old days, the seventies, the eighties, my death asap! Near-death experience is what I am currently working on. Various types of extreme fatigue are the peak of that project so far, but hey it’s a start!
I discovered Werner in one of many SF quests I practice occasionally. “Wild Blue Yonder” was that first title. At that point of time, I was moving a lot, so film took his place in one CD somewhere in bags with other material “necessities” of a modern person in Belgrade during those post-2000’s. The interesting thing about this film is that I still watch it. I watch this film for more than five years I think. When I started to watch “Wild Blue Yonder”, in rented suburban trashy house back in the days, the feeling was so intense that I had to interrupt the watching. I was sensitive to much. During that period, I was riding a bike a lot and had constant trainings/work, good food – I felt great, I was converging my reality and my dreams in the wildest and colourful-est ideas I ever had.
Friends tend to say that I “have the nose for good stuff”. No, I simply accepted one rule when I was teen: “go to the source of things to see what they truly are“, and that became my “special nose for good stuff”. And yes, if you abide this rule as much HC as you can, that source mechanism really becomes the densest bullshit filter you can ever have. Than and there “Wild Blue Yonder” came to me, naturally. Today I know the source of that footage, the persons behind the story, a bits of motivation, the directing techniques and stuff like that. It strokes even harder today. Watching the end of this film still awaits me. I am looking forward to that. Wander what else will I manage to accomplish prior that…
Also, I have “films I must not watch” stack. (this is not strictly related to Werner’s films). Those films represent some heavy emotional achievements that I think I could not cope with. And this is completely irrational. As much as I think that is important to dive into the matter of things, understand and experience the surrounding reality, I also think that there are some things one should not ever, ever touch, do or see/hear. Mapping of that no-go zone, moves me so much that I often spend more than six hours per day directing the plan of action, reading and analysing that “map”. I need to know precise dimensions and coordinates of that zone. One way to achieve that is to get to know the rest of reality, which is pretty much infinite. In the other hand no-go zone is increasing as my empathy increases its consciousness. I am not even sure that such process of mapping this stuff is possible but at this point of time I just have the urge to do it like that. Rationally thinking, this process creates the time-buffer for me in order to build capacity which could absorb those emotions strange to me now in this stage.
Than “Cave of Forgotten Dreams” came. – Convergence of realms depicted there were also a life-changer for me. Immediately after I digested tasty “Happy People: A Year in the Taiga“. Yesterday, a friend told me that he compares film making with cooking, this piece was an adequate meal as that paradigm can get.
After reading his wiki, texts, watching interviews with him, I had a dream with Herzog. He was young and with his wife in their house. House was as raw as his camera view on the world. It had plants and trees in kitchen, there was no artificial light it was “you can see as much as there is environmental light”. I came with my family there, we needed help. Werner started immediately to work on our vehicle, our bike. We (my family and me) were a bit surprised by their language (German) but we understood each other completely. I guess that “surprise” was the social construct of German Third Reich we bear with our Serbian minds. I remember staring at Herzog’s wife – she was very sexy and pretty to me.
(I often get excited by my friend’s women/partners, especially if they are my close friends and I know them well. To me, that deep mutual recognition in friendship is ultimate way of respect, understanding and acceptance – where all of that leads to the crown of communication: sex. In practice, I had several excursions (three) that took me to that bleeding edge of full communication. Sadly, actual social constructs that represent moral and ethics above me stigmatizes this types of relationships. Usually this recognitions end up with strong mutual desire and complication induced by inhibition.)
Werner, of course, was not aware of my looks toward his wife, we was busy with the seat of our bicycle (now, I am sure that this represents the reflection of those mentioned inhibitions in my real life, otherwise I am sure that we all would end up having awesome in-dream-sex). After a while, as it often happen in dreams, I was alone (my family was not present in this dream any more) and in that point of time in dream I felt that I am walking trough our mutual bleeding reality of common death, awful nature, brutality of time, obscenity of our looks, hurt of our looks, limits of our bodies, ultimate silence of eternity of time. All of this, was never hurting – it was like intensifying perception of time passing.
“Encounters at the end of the world” – Ha! That place is my alter ego!
“Grizzly man” – the blank stare of the animal. the blank stare of nature. why we the people are so vain? about everything?!
Recent “Texting and driving” – this will ironically save more of those everlasting vain human lives.
Month of Werner and I continuously get back to my first formulation:
“He dares to ask so silly and shameful questions, that just moment after being answered become a tasty spice of reality with the special weight of time-stamp. As if you all of the sudden get the taste of time-reality continuum. Previously completely empty and possibly useless.“
Just touching my greatest inhibition was a life-changer for me. But this! This empowers me to play with my great weaknesses and respect them even more.